John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
