i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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