Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
