Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
