You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
