No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
