Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
