I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
