Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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