you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
