I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
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