maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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