Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
