Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
