i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
