btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
