2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I fill condoms, not promises.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
