My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Randomize
