stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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