Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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