I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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