In the future we'll all be gay
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
