just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
