I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
