Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
