Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
