I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
