i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
