I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
