Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
