I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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