someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
