You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
