I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Randomize
