Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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