I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
