His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
