hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
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Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
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Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize