I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Two words: nipple clamps
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