I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
