if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
