hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
