She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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