I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
