i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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