No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
