Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
