Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
