I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
