her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
