If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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