Screwed.edu
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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