You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
