Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
