i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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