Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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