I wish I only lived at night.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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